DAD JOKES!

What do llamas like to drink? Strawberry llama-nade!

What did the vet give to the sick parakeet? A special tweet-ment!

What kind of bear doesn’t have any teeth? A gummy bear!

Why was the potato chip mad at the pretzel? Because it was insalting him.

What do you call a bear standing in the rain? A drizzly bear!

How do you know when it’s been raining cats and dogs? When you step in a poodle!

What do you call an elephant that never takes a bath? Smell-ephant!

What is an elephant’s favorite vegetable? Squash

What do you call an elephant in a phone booth? Stuck!

What kind of homework do you do in a taxi? Vo-cab-ulary!

What kind of homework do you do on the couch? Multipli-cushion

What happens when strawberries are sad? They become blueberries

When do you stop at green and go on red? When you’re eating a watermelon!

What do you get when you cross a water buffalo and a chicken? Soggy buffalo wings!

Why were the chickens so tired? They were working around the cluck!

What school dance did the geometry teacher host? A square dance!

What did the lipstick say to the eye shadow? We should stop fighting and make up!

How can you tell when a bell is old? It has ring-kles

Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn? Because Humpty Dumpty had a great fall!

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl pee? Because the “p” is silent

If Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be known for? Their age!

My wife accused me being immature….I told her to get out of my fort

What do you call birds that stick together? Vel-crows!

Have you heard about the pregnant bed bugs? She’s going to have her baby in the spring

Why did the skeleton cross the road? To get to the body shop!

Why didn’t the witch fly on her broom when she was angry? She was afraid she would fly off the handle

Which pet makes the most noise? A trump-pet

Why did cinderella get kicked off the soccer team? Because he ran away from the ball.

What do you call an escaped owl? Hoo-dini

Why does snoop Dogg use an umbrella? For dizzle

Why did the pig get hired by the restaurant? He was really good at bacon

What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of the computer? The spacebar

How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for his birthday? He felt his presents

What lies at the bottom of a sea shaking? A nervous wreck

Where do Volkswagens go when they get old? The Old volks home

Why can’t you ever trust an atom? They make up everything!

What kind of animal never gets old? A gnu!

What did the worm say to her daughter when she came home? Where on earth have you been?

How do you stop a 10-pound parrot from talking too much? Get a 20-pound cat

What is a frisbee’s favorite kind of music? Disk-o!

What game do leopards always lose? Hide and seek. They always get spotted!

What do bumblebees play at the park? Fris-bee!

What’s worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing taxi cabs!

What did the mayo say when someone opened the refridgerator door? Close the door, I am dressing!

Why did the cookie go to the doctor? Because he felt crummy!

Why did the lion eat the tight-rope walker? He wanted a well-balanced meal!

What did the horse say when he fell? Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t giddy up!

What did the policeman say to his belly button? You’re under a vest!

What did the hat say to the scarf? You go ahead, I’ll hang around!

What do you call an alligator in a vest? An Investigator!

Why did the cat like to go bowling? It was an alley cat!

How do dolphins make hard decisions? By flippering a coin!

Where does a shark go on a Saturday night? To the dive-in movies

Why did the whale cross the ocean? To get to the other tide

When does a hot dog get on your nerves? When it’s being a brat. It’s the wurst!

What happens when you phone a clown three times? You get a three-ring circus

What does the man in the moon do when his hair gets too long? Eclipse it!

When do you know when the moon has had enough to eat? When it’s full

Why did the fish get bad grades? Because it was below sea level

What did the duck say to the bartender? Put it on my bill!

What do you call someone who immigrated to Sweden? Artificial Swedener!

I’m terrified of elevators…. so I’m going to take steps to avoid them

How are relationships a lot like algebra? Sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y

What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed? Oh Sheet!

Why was Tigger looking in the toilet? He was looking for Pooh

How do billboards talk? Sign language

Why do birds fly south for the Winter? Because it’s too far to walk

What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes? A remorse code

What do you call a broke Santa Claus? Saint-nickel-less

What do you call a scary looking reindeer? A cariboo

What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire? Frostbite

What’s the absolute best Christmas present? A broken drum—you can’t beat it!

What do reindeers say before they tell you a joke? This one’s gonna sleigh you!

What do you call Santa’s little helpers? Subordinate clauses

What did Adam say to his wife on Christmas? It’s finally Christmas, Eve!

What’s the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has No-el.

How do you know when Santa’s around? You can always sense his presents.

What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa? – A rebel without a Claus?

What’s Santa’s favorite snack food? Crisp Pringles

Why do mummies like Christmas so much? They’re into all the wrapping?

What do you say to a lollipop when you throw it away? So long sucker!

My doctor said I had type a blood ……but it was a type O

What do you call a duck that steals? A robber duck!

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus!

How many lips does a flower have? Tu-lips!

When is a door not a door? When it’s ajar!

The past, the present and the future walked into a bar ….it was tense!

Where do you learn how to make ice cream? Sundae school!

What do Olympic sprinters eat before a race? Nothing…they fast!

What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I Lava you.

Where does the electric cord go to shop? The Outlet mall!

What did the swordfish say to the marlin? You’re looking sharp!

What’s the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurty.

What do you call a row of rabbits hopping away? A receding hare line.

I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey…but then I turned myself around.

Where did Noah keep his bees? In his ark hives.

Why should you never fall for a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.

What’s the most musical part of the chicken? The Drum stick.

What do you get when you cross a snake with a pie? A pie-thon!

Why did the policeman smell bad? He was on duty.

Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they would be bagels!

Why are vampires so easy to fool? Because they are suckers!

Why couldn’t the kid see the pirate movie? Because it was rated RRRRRR

I want to go camping every year….that trip was in tents!

Why is a river rich? It has banks on both sides.

What did one toilet roll say to the other toilet roll? “People keep ripping me off!”

Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was so depressing.

How do trees access the internet? They log in.

Why couldn’t the leopard play hide and seek? Because he was always spotted.

Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything.

Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands.

Why shouldn’t you give Elsa a balloon? Because she’ll let it go!

What do you do if attacked by a clan of clowns? Go for the juggler.

Can a Kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course. A house doesn’t jump at all.

Why aren’t koalas actual bears? They don’t meet the Koalafications.

My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo….so I had to put my put down.

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

What has more lives than a cat? A frog….because it croaks every night.

Where do you find a cow with no legs? Right where you left it.

What did the cake say to the fork? Want a piece of me?

How do you fix a cabbage? With a cabbage patch!

What’s the last thing that goes through a bug’s mind as it hits your windshield? It’s butt.

How did the for die? He kermit suicide

What did one ocean say to another ocean? Nothing…it just waved.

Why does a milking stool only have 3 legs? Because the cow has the udder.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A Fsh.

Did you hear about the guy who drank 8 cokes? He burped 7up.

Why are fish easy to weigh? Because they have their own scales.

Why did cinderella fail at basketball? Because she had a pumpkin for a coach.

Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil? Because it’s pointless.

Have you heard the story of the magic sandwich? Nevermind, it’s just a bunch of bologna.

Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.

When are holes beautiful? When they gorges.

How do you fix a broken tuba? With a tuba glue.

What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.

What did one hat say to another? You stay here, I’ll go on a head.